Following on from my previous post where we started talking about negotiating as part of the communication process, here’s how we can translate our requests into actual tasks that our partner can work on:
The question of doing the vacuuming and supporting you in front of George are still requests, and now need to be put in the form of tasks. Ideally these should specify when, where and how they should be carried out. You may have a weekly routine of house tidying, and the vacuuming could be slotted into this at a time which is convenient to both partners. Similarly the meetings with George probably happen at predictable times, and the tasks can be limited to those times. You may even want to specify the issues you want support on, such as when, for example, George ridicules your political beliefs or your taste in music.
The tasks should be reciprocal, so that each partner has something they can do for the other This is one of the most important aspects of negotiation. The partners should feel at the end of a negotiation session that they have both had their say in making requests and in setting tasks. Ideally there should be one, or at the most two, tasks for each partner in operation at any one time, and the number of tasks should be equal between them. Thus the woman may request that the man looks after their baby while she goes out with her friends, while the man may request that the woman lets him go out to the bar with his friends. If this sort of bargain is struck, the number of times per week that each task is to be carried out should be specified, and ideally this should be about equal for both partners.
It is not easy to get into this kind of agreement the first time that you try, and there may be a fair number of trials before you get it right. However, it is usually well worth trying something like this in order to get away from the repetitive struggles that people get into.
Making Sure That The Tasks Are Practicable
Before settling on the tasks to be done by both partners, it is important to make sure that both of you agree that they are practicable and fair. This will require all your negotiating skills, and it is not always possible to get it right the first time. It may require you both to make compromises, for example to settle on fewer nights going out than you would ideally like, or making a different division of household chores. The key consideration is to be practicable, and that may mean one partner at first making a few concessions in order to get the process going.
It is also a good idea to set tasks which are within the daily life that you have as a couple. There is little point in setting up plans to have an expensive vacation or an extension on the house as part of your exchange of positive behavior. It is much safer to settle on things such as weeding the garden, looking after children or doing the weekly shopping, since these can be repeated on a weekly or daily basis and you can meet frequently to discuss progress on them.
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