Relationship Help – Try Role Playing

Do you have difficulty in understanding (empathizing with) each other?

I am not referring here to the understanding of everyday language, but to emotional understanding or empathy. You may feel that you have a fairly good way of communicating, but that there is something missing in your emotional rapport and that this is getting in the way of being open with each other.

Beware of too much openness

Before getting into the ways in which you can achieve more openness, a word of caution. In even the closest relationships there are some things that you might be wise to keep to yourself. A man who walks along the road with his wife and says ‘Look at that attractive girl over there’, is playing with fire if his wife is worried about her own attractiveness. He should not really raise that kind of ‘open’ discussion if he values his marriage. Similarly, a woman who praises a friend’s ability to understand her may be taking a risk if her partner feels that by implication she is saying that he doesn’t understand her.

Try ‘reversed role-play’

If you have real difficulty getting into your partner’s mind, it may be worth trying a technique called ‘reverse role-play’.

Exercise: Reversed Role-play

Sit down together with no distractions (TV, music, telephone or radio) and the timer set for ten minutesIf you are used to sitting in your favourite place or chair, change placesStart to have a discussion, perhaps about some fairly ordinary subject that you disagree on (but not something serious like religion or education) but taking your partner’s point of view. Perhaps you might change your voice tone and use the kinds of reasoning that your partner usually usesTry to enter into your partner’s way of thinking about the subject. This means, of course, arguing the opposite case from the one you would normally supportAt the end, perhaps for the next ten minutes, you should change back to your usual chair, your own voice and your own point of viewTry to talk together about the discussion you had, and discuss how it felt to be taking your partner’s side, and exploring their way of thinking

This exercise is an interesting one that we have tried many times in the couple therapy clinic, and it usually helps the partners to gain a greater degree of empathy with each other.

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