The A-z to a Healthy Relationship

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Relationship Problems – Dealing With Triangles And Boundary Issues

Here I want to look at the relationship problems which a couple can be affected by, which might consist of work pressures, children, relatives or friends. In many cases these situations could be described as taking the form of triangles, in which the couple, whose relationship is conceptualized as a straight line, are reacting as a team in relation to a third person or thing (the point of the triangle). The ‘point’ of the triangle also has the power to draw one partner away from the relationship into a new alliance with the outside individual or activity.

Triangles of course are almost universal in human experience. Mostly they cause no difficulty or relationship problems, and if they involve a couple they may be a positive thing and be a source of pleasure.

For example, a mutual friend may be a great support to both partners and never cause rifts or tensions between them. In this example, however, I will be mainly dealing with the relationship problems caused by certain triangular situations.

The outside factors, whether people or things, could also be thought of as raising the issue of the boundaries around the couple, in which they have to decide how much they are working as a team and how much they are two separate individuals. Because of the profound effect that these ‘triangular’ situations can have on the couple, you need to be as clear as you can about where your boundaries are and how tight they are.

Triangular Relationship Problems Involving Children

Some of the most common triangular situations involve your children. Children can show their distress in many ways, from overactive behavior in a young child to teenage rebellion or anorexia in an older one, or severe arguments and rights between siblings. The child’s behavior may evoke different responses from the two parents. It may also be that the child’s behavior problem is partly caused by the tensions between the parents.

The behavior of the child may be seen as a cry for help, not only for the child but also for the whole family. The child whose parents are at loggerheads is going to feel insecure, and will often behave badly as an expression of that insecurity.

The behavior can have two positive results for the child: firstly it may bring the parents closer together, and secondly it may bring the child a greater sense of power within the family. These results are, however, bought at a price, in that the child will feel more insecure than before, and sometimes this insecurity (which is connected with a fear that his/her parents are too weak to be in control) will lead to an escalation of the behavior. A vicious circle then builds up, with more parental anxiety leading to more of the behavior, leading to recriminations between the parents, and this in turn leading to a greater sense of insecurity on the part of the child.

What Is The Answer?

There is a set of techniques based on behavioral principles which has been very successful in helping parents to cope with badly behaved children. The two main principles are to reward desired behavior and to ignore undesired behavior.

Punishment, on the other hand, can disrupt behavior in the short term, but has unpredictable results in the longer run, and is usually ineffective. In order for the behavioral rewards to work, you must work as a team, and in some ways this teamwork may be as important as the techniques themselves.

How To Get It Wrong

Many people do not realize that their children need quite a lot of attention when they are with their parents, and will work to get it, for example by misbehaving, by teasing their siblings or by being destructive. Parents who only give their children attention when they are naughty, even if that attention is in the form of telling them off or punishing them, are actually encouraging naughty behavior. What the parents see as a way of controlling their children’s behavior is actually encouraging it.

The alternative way outlined above is a better way. It is labor-intensive at first, especially in the planning of activities which interest the problem child, while at the same time not neglecting the younger brother. However, in the end it saves time and effort, and can help to avoid the progressive alienation of the problem child.

What About Other Forms Of Childhood Behavior Problems?

Sometimes a child will seem to monopolize one parent, sharing secrets with that parent and making them promise not to tell the other one what is being discussed. This is a classic example of the parent being ‘triangulated’ by the child, away from their partner. Alternatively the child may develop symptoms for which no cause can be found, and for which they get much sympathy from one of the parents. These are good examples of a triangle. Triangles, as mentioned above, exist in all families, and sometimes they are problematic, while usually they are completely harmless. In this case it is important for the parents to be a parental team, and to act together in the care of the children. So, when a child makes a request of one parent to keep something secret from the other, it would be better not to promise to keep the secret, but to say that the parents don’t have secrets from each other.

If the relationship between one parent and a child becomes too close, this could unbalance all the family relationships and lead to a permanent alliance of parent and child against the other parent.

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7 Ways to Build Trust in a Relationship

Do you know the 7 concrete ways to build trust in a relationship? Often, what really makes a relationship work are not the things we think of first. For instance, do you think you always need to spice things up? Wrong! Predictability is more important than variety in a relationship. The following seven methods are guaranteed to grow your connection by improving the level of trust in a relationship.

First, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph, you need to be predictable. This goes against the common notion that you need to “stir things up” to keep the romance alive. Sure, going to a new restaurant or giving a surprise gift can be nice, but most of all, we need things to be consistent and steady in order to make our relationships work. Consider that trust in a relationship is built on being reliable day in and day out.

Next, you need to make sure that your words always match the message. This means that your partner needs to hear the words which match your body language. If you say you are happy but you are frowning, your partner doesn’t hear your words, he or she sees your face and the tone in your voice. Your partner needs to be able to trust what you are saying. When the words match the message, you build trust in a relationship.

Third, you need to have a fundamental belief in your partner’s competency. If you don’t you won’t have the trust in a relationship that you need. When lovingly communicated, the truth is never destructive. When you do not believe that your partner is competent at some things (or indeed, anything), you violate the trust in a relationship.

Don’t keep secrets. Secrets destroy the trust in a relationship. Be honest and open. Assume everything you know will eventually come out. Secrets require enormous energy on your part. That is energy that could be going into building the relationship.

Fifth, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what your needs are. Don’ t make him or her guess what you need. Let them know. It is okay to be self-centered as long as you are not selfish. Indeed, if you are reluctant to assert your needs, you may go overboard in the opposite direction and smother your partner.

Sixth, learn to say no. When your partner voices his or her needs, that is a good thing. But you don’t need to say yes to everything. A partner cannot respect you if you never say no. Refusing to be subjugated to the other person’s will actually builds trust in a relationship.

Finally, always pursue growth. When you plant a flower, you begin by digging in the dirt. Digging in the dirt of our relationships can sometimes cause pain. But, through that pain, we prepare the soil for future growth. Don’t be afraid of turmoil, crisis, or questions. These become the fertilizer for growth and change. Embrace what is difficult.

When you decide to work on trust in a relationship, you are bound to encounter a little pain. But, as you work through this pain, you will not only become stronger as an individual, you will also strengthen your coupledom.

Relationship Advice – Tips To Remember

The only person you can really change is yourself, and by changing your own behavior you will be able to alter your partner’s behavior.

It is very important, though often difficult, to talk together if you have problems.

The safest way to do this is to call a truce and set up ten-minute discussion sessions.

You should prepare a script with two points each to talk about.

You should divide the time equally between you.

If arguments happen you could either try to let them run on and end by ‘agreeing to differ’ or stop the session and plan another one in a day or two.

The principles of good communication are to be brief, positive, specific, show empathy and be sensitive to your partner’s feelings.

These principles can be included in your timed talk sessions.

Negotiation depends on converting complaints to wishes, and wishes to tasks. The tasks should be practicable and roughly equal between you, and they may be monitored week by week.

If you are working as an individual to help your relationship problems, you should become a good behaviorally orientated therapist and reward the behavior you want to encourage, while ignoring that which you want your partner to stop.

These methods do not provide a cure for your problems, but should give you a new way of controlling them.

Relationship Advice – How To Negotiate As A Couple

Good communication is only half the battle when it comes to solving your relationship problems. The other half is negotiation, and this is the technique which seems to be getting the best results in research work on relationship therapy. It obviously helps your negotiation if you are also communicating well when you do it. Be specific, keep to the point, avoid closure, remain flexible, don’t mind-read and don’t blame. However, there are some more things to remember when it comes to negotiating, some of which I’ll talk about here.

Convert Your Complaints Into Requests

As with the process of communication, the first principle of negotiation is to work on the future rather than the past. All complaints are by definition placed in the past, and the first thing to do is to change that by converting them into requests or wishes. For example, if a woman says to her partner ‘I hate you coming in so late from work’, this could be put the other way around as ‘I would like you to be home earlier from work.’

I hope that it will be clear to you that the second, positive, future form of words is much more likely to get a positive response from her partner than the first one. Almost all complaints can be re-worded in this way, giving the partner the possibility of falling in with the request, rather than arguing or saying ‘You are always complaining.’

Make The Requests More Specific

The next skill that is necessary in trying to negotiate is to make the request more specific. For example, if you say to your partner ‘I would like you to be more positive to me’, that is a bit difficult for him/her to interpret. It isn’t clear where, when or how you want that more positive response. It has to be more specific.

For example, if you say ‘I would be much happier if you would back me up when we are in George’s company’, this is more something that your partner can clearly understand, relate to and do for you.

Your request may be a lot more practical than that. It may be that you want to say ‘I want you to be more helpful around the house.’ Again this is too general, and it would be better to say ‘I would really like you to help with the vacuuming.’ The more specific a request is, the easier it is to understand and to act on, and the easier it is to be sure whether it has been carried out when you come to assess how the new regime is going.

The Emphasis Must Be On The Future

The previous two examples are both quite good from this angle. They are both ‘future orientated’, and therefore possible to be part of a negotiation. The alternative is to say ‘I wish you hadn’t been so unsupportive to me when we met with George the other week.’ This is quite specific, but it is in the form of a complaint, not a request. There is nothing that your partner can do about it, because it is already history. All he/she can do is apologize and promise to try to do better the next time you meet with George. Similarly the question of doing the vacuuming is much less easy to relate to if you simply say that ‘You never help me with this task.’ Again, if you put it in the form of a complaint, all that a cooperative partner can do is promise to do better. The trouble with this is that promises like that are easily made and then broken. A request for future help or support is more easily responded to and more easily monitored by you.

Healthy Relationship Advice – Are You Too Isolated As A Couple?

There’s lots of different advice available for building a healthy relationship, but one area that needs to be balanced is your social life. It may be that you are living a life which is very restricted, and especially in a new relationship there may be too much reliance on each other, and not enough socializing with others, either friends or family. This is an example of boundaries around the couple that are too tight and impermeable. It may be fine if both of you are comfortable with it, but it is likely to prove problematic if one of you is content with this situation and the other is restless and wants more of a social life.

As with other differences between partners, it would be sensible to discuss the problem and arrange some sort of compromise. It might be that you can set different nights of the week for social outings and for staying at home.

Achieving a balance

Much of what we have already discussed is based on the principle that it is always necessary to strike a balance between the needs and preferences of both partners.

Healthy Relationship Advice For Women And Men

Male and female issues

This includes a balance between male and female in a heterosexual relationship. For example, the man may be keen to solve problems at a stroke, without going on to discuss the issues again; the woman, on the other hand, may feel that the exercise of discussing these issues is healthy for the relationship, and that not doing it would be irresponsible.

Sexual and other forms of closeness

It also includes a balance between the sexual and the general relationship, and between closeness and distance (sexual, emotional, physical and operational). The couple that feel comfortable with the degree of closeness that they have in all these four areas will have a much better chance of a long and healthy relationship than the couple who are in constant conflict over it.

Excitement versus tranquility

There is in most couples one partner who values excitement, while the other prefers calm and peace, and again a balance needs to be found between these needs. Indeed, the issue of arguing may separate those partners who prefer excitement (and who would welcome the arguments) and those who prefer tranquility (and feel uncomfortable with them). In other ways these types of individuals may clash over issues within the relationship.

The more adventurous ones may be keen to try new experiences, while the more cautious will probably prefer the daily routine to be undisturbed.

Openness versus secretiveness

There is also a balance to be achieved between openness towards others and keeping confidences within the couple (the issue of how open or impermeable the boundaries are around the couple itself). Many people who are in a healthy relationship feel that the relationship is a kind of extension of their circle of friends or their families. Others, however, will see the relationship as something that ought to provide enough satisfaction for them not to need too much outside contact.

The new relationship, the family life-cycle and achieving a balance

In all these areas there is a process to be gone through in setting up a new and healthy relationship, but it also needs to be continually revised as time goes on, the couple encounter new challenges, and new balances have to be achieved. This is one reason why it remains important for couples to continue to reappraise their relationship as the years go by, and to ensure that new factors such as the arrival of children, the death of older relatives and changes in job or living arrangements do not unbalance the equilibrium that existed before the changes took place.

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Building A Healthy Relationship – Helping The Improvements To Last

When you have made some worthwhile improvements in building a healthy relationship, it is tempting to rest on your laurels and assume that it will now be all right, or to think that love has come back and that there is no need to worry any more. However much things have improved, you are still the same people, with the same basic ways of relating, and things could easily go wrong again if you are not vigilant in maintaining your good relationship.

Have regular meetings even if things are going well. These should take a similar form to meetings you may have had to discuss your problems, with both of you coming with an agenda and dividing the time between you. You might also use the timer that you used before, depending on whether you think you still need a limit to the time for discussion.

Think about what you yourself have done to change things in bringing back your healthy relationship. One of the hardest things for partners to do in this situation is to recognize what they themselves have done to build a good relationship. It is much easier to point out how your partner has changed, but that is not a very good basis for this kind of meeting, because it puts you once again in the role of the ex-victim, and your partner in the role of the ex-persecutor.

The most important thing to remember is, as I mentioned above, that the only person you can really change is yourself. If a change has happened, look at the way you yourself have contributed to that change. Perhaps you should ask your partner to tell you how they think you have changed, while you can tell them how you think they have changed. But the ultimate take-home message is that, whatever you have done to build a healthy relationship, you should continue doing it, as indeed your partner should continue doing whatever they have been doing to improve things.

What would you both have to do wrong to bring the problems back?

This is another way of saying the same thing. But it puts it even more pointedly, because it emphasizes that you have indeed done some good relationship building, and that you have the power to change them for better or for worse. If you think about this, it puts you in a position of both power and responsibility. It means that you accept that you may have contributed to the previous problems, and to the improvements in your now healthy relationship, and that you are not necessarily just the victim of your partner’s whims and unpredictable behavior.

If it goes really badly wrong, go back to square one. Things may, of course, go wrong even after a successful use of the techniques outlined here, but this is not the end of the world, or even the end of the story. You might decide to go back to the beginning, try the good relationship building exercises of communication and negotiation as before, and with the knowledge of how they went wrong you may be able to learn from your experience and be more successful.

The key thing to remember is to persevere and to continue to try to control the problems you are faced with on a daily basis. There is one basic rule for sustaining a long-term healthy relationship, and that is to maintain toleration and patience, and to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If you can commit yourselves to that rule, the rest will come more easily, both in the short term, while you are working on the problem, and in the longer term when both of you may forget the techniques you have been using.

If there is no improvement using these relationship building ideas and techniques

There are two options open to you in this event. Either you can buy some books on healthy relationship building, which may take a broader look at the problems and give more wide-ranging suggestions as to solving them using a ’systemic’ approach; or alternatively you may decide that the ‘do-it-yourself way is not going to be successful, and seek professional help from a relationship counselor or therapist.

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Healthy Relationship Tips

Building A Healthy Relationship

Emotional and physical closeness

There is a particular form of closeness, that should be part of any healthy relationship, which is physical without being sexual. This is characterized by the way that couples who are quite intimate tend to groom each other, for instance by straightening each other’s clothing. It is a pleasant form of closeness, and shows care for each other, although it can also have an implication of possessiveness, which may not be totally welcome to one of the two.

This kind of closeness often goes together with emotional closeness, but again some people may feel that the physical closeness is not enough and they need some extra sharing of feelings as well. It is often the man who is less comfortable with emotional closeness, and the woman who wants to be closer. As with the sexual-emotional problem, to maintain a healthy relationship, an agreement to be emotionally close at planned, but limited, times in the day may begin to help the problem.

Operational closeness

In general, each person has his/her preference as to how close or distant they should be in a healthy relationship. This type of closeness, which we can call operational closeness, is mainly concerned with how much time the couple spend together, and whether they live together or apart. It is also relevant to the question of how much they share plans and how much they know about each other’s daily activities.

Much of the implicit negotiation that goes on when a healthy relationship is forming is to do with the question of operational closeness. One partner may feel very strongly that they want to be part of a couple, while the other wants to have a bit more freedom of movement.

Time together or time apart

Within an established relationship the question may centre around the time the couple spend together and the time they are apart. If each has their own interests, this may be a good reason why they should spend time in separate activities, and this may be quite comfortable for both. However, one partner may be keener than the other to be together, and here problems may arise which can only be solved by negotiation and compromise.

Does one of you do things that the other one hates? Timetables may help

There are many examples of this within a relationship. We are referring to those activities that one partner really needs to do and the other finds boring or off-putting. Here are some examples from my experience as a couple therapist:

Wanting to talk (even to argue) late into the nightWatching sports programs on televisionWatching the news on televisionWatching soap operas on televisionVacuum cleaning late at night (could interfere with sex!)Wanting to interrogate the partner (jealousy)Wanting more sex than the partner doesWanting to go shopping togetherSitting at the computerVisits to relativesAttendance at sports clubs

The list could be extended, but I hope that you have understood that these disputes are very common and can often be troublesome. How could you resolve them?

Suppose that you have a dispute about what to watch together on TV (for example sports or soap operas). If Partner A wants to do a lot of this and Partner B wants to watch other things, or simply to talk more, you could work out a timetable in which the ‘activity’ is rationed to certain hours each day. It would be best to set up a different activity when Partner A is not watching his/her programs, so as not to create unnecessary conflict: for example, sitting and talking about family matters, or listening to music of your choice.

Similarly, to continue to work on their healthy relationship, timetables could be set up for when one partner might be sitting at the computer (a common problem in these days of easy Internet access) or for doing housework such as vacuum cleaning at unpopular times (e.g. late at night). In all cases it would be helpful for Partner B (who is bored or put off by the activity) to offer to do something instead which is attractive to Partner A, and which may be seen as a reward for giving up the activity.

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Relationship Guide II – How male-female differences affect relationships

In Relationship Guide Part I I talked about how the differences between men and women can affect a relationship, and the traits each sex of the species have in helping to build a healthy relationship. In this Relationship Guide Part II I’m going to expand on these differences, and cover a few more critical points and issues.

These male-female differences come to our attention when there is a relationship between a man and a woman. Early in a relationship, when sexual attraction is high and both partners are idealizing each other and giving each other the benefit of the doubt, there is usually no problem. However, when the relationship is older and the couple is trying to solve difficulties that they encounter in the course of the average day, the differences between the male and female way of doing things comes to the fore.

Typically, talking as a wife and a relationship guide or counselor, men like to be focused, logical and independent in their problem solving, whereas women like to rely more on emotional cues and like to network in their approach to problems. How often do we hear the complaint from the man that ‘we have discussed all this before, so there’s no need to go over it again’, as if the problem has been completely resolved, while the woman says, “I know, but I still don’t feel right about it.”

There is no easy answer to this dilemma, but as a guide to a healthy relationship, many couples deal with it by agreeing to differ or by going along with the more dominant partner’s ideas. The bottom line is that for women the most important issues are often to understand the problem and each other, to be heard and to be taken seriously, while for the man it is more urgent to solve the problem and learn from doing so how to solve similar problems in the future.

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Relationship Problems

Relationship Problems – How To Overcome Relationship Problems With Verbal Communication.

This is something which we all fall short of at times, and is one of the biggest issues when it comes to relationship problems, but good verbal communication is the basis of human interaction, and without it we would live in a very confusing world. It’s also one of the most common problem areas that I deal with in my relationship therapy clinic. There are a few simple rules which couples should follow in communicating that will help in overcoming most relationship problems, which I’ll cover here:

1. Be brief and simple. It is better to say less in a sentence than more, and then you should leave a gap so that your partner can reply to the point that is being made. Talk about just one of your relationship problems at a time. If you go on to mention other matters, the first point will be lost, your partner will reply to the last point only, and it is quite likely that the point that is responded to will be a controversial and provocative one, because the partner will only feel forced to respond to something which needs to be contradicted rather than to a peaceful or non-controversial point.

2. Leave frequent gaps. This gives your partner a chance to respond and comment on what is being said. In some couples it may be that the speaker doesn’t want to hear what the partner has to say: the monologue is a defensive strategy, but monologues only increase relationship problems – they don’t help anything. Good communication usually includes the possibility of reply.

3. Be positive. Dealing with most relationship problems can be accomplished by being positive – even if you feel really bad about something. There is a world of difference between the statement ‘You are always undermining me’ (negative and critical) and the alternative statement "I would like you to back me up even if you don’t always agree" (a request for help). The two are referring to the same situation, but the first one invites disagreement or defense and leaves little room for a positive reply, while the second one gives the possibility of complying with the request. The negative version is probably as valid as the positive one, but the negative one will probably lead to a long argument with no resolution (and even more relationship problems), while the positive version will perhaps lead to some kind of forward movement and eventual resolution. If you really want to save a relationship, being positive about your issues and your partner is paramount.

4. Always end with a positive, even if you have said something negative. This avoids what we call the ’sting in the tail’, where someone has said something positive and then follows it up with something critical – this is not surprisingly very frequent in pretty much all relationship problems. Taking the ’sting in the tail’ approach almost always leads to an argument, as your partner replies to the last (negative) part of the message. The trick is to change the sting-in-tail comment to one that ends positively. Thus ‘You are making an effort now, but you have been difficult for a long time’ (sting-in-tail) could become ‘You have been difficult for a long time but I see you are now making an effort’ (positive at the end). This could be further improved by starting it with ‘I’: ‘I have felt that you were difficult for a long time but I see you are now making an effort.’

5. Be specific. This means trying not to generalize too much, and keeping the discussion as clear as possible. Whatever relationship problem you are trying to address, try to describe your feeling as completely as possible – you’re partner probably doesn’t know everything that’s going on in your head, so be descriptive. There is a great deal of difference between ‘You are always putting me down in front of others’ and ‘I was upset when you criticized my driving when your mother was in the car.’ The first version will lead to contradiction, for example ‘No I don’t, it’s just your imagination’, or ‘What do you mean, I’m very respectful.’ The second at least makes it possible for the partner to address the issue and try to be less outspoken when a similar situation arises.

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Relationship Guide – The Differences Between Men and Women

Relationship Guide: Men and women: the similarities and differences

No relationship guide would be complete without covering how males and females instinctively relate to each other. The differences between men and women have been well recognized since the earliest times. However, there has been a recent tendency, perhaps deriving from feminism and perhaps from the great publicity that sexual matters have had in recent years, for people to assume that women and men are not only equal but actually the same.

It’s true that many jobs are equally well done by both, and that some of the reasons that men have been better paid and promoted in their employment are to do with men’s natural competitiveness, combined with an inbuilt historical unfairness in society. However, from a “relationship guide” point of view, the differences between the genders are very clear and well known, and these have made it difficult at times for men and women to understand each other.

Differences in brain function

It’s now accepted that there are some brain differences between men and women, and this is partly in the way that each gender uses the right and left halves of the brain. Women are more ‘left brain’ competent, and manage better in tasks that involve language and communication. Men are more ‘right brain’ competent, and therefore manage better in tasks that require spatial coordination, such as maths, physics and engineering.

In fact, whether from nature or from social pressures, most boys aged three will talk co other boys of the same age about cars, guns or computer games: girls of the same age will prefer to talk about their families and friends. Men are good with machines and things generally, while women are better at understanding people and relationships.

Differences in psychological strengths

In a similar vein, girls and women are good at ‘multi-tasking’, and can keep many goals in mind at the same time without neglecting any of them. Boys and men, on the other hand, will concentrate on the job at hand, and leave other tasks to another time or delegate them to someone else.

In this connection, women are usually better at looking after children, and manage to keep a focus on the kids in their charge while at the same time getting on with making meals and doing housework. Men can do all these things, but tend to forget one while concentrating on the other. They tend to want to get the children safely settled so that they can get on with other things.

Cooperation and competition

Men are likely to be more competitive that women, and when you see two men or boys together they will often be making comparisons between the speed of their cars, the amount they earn, their achievements in sport or the size of their houses – a very important point to make in any relationship guide. This is perhaps related to the way in which in an animal setting males tend to compete for both status and the right to mate with the females in the herd. It is a natural pattern of behavior, and is probably driven by testosterone.

Women and girls, on the other hand, will form cooperative networks and put their ideas together without insisting on taking credit for a particular initiative. Again, in the animal setting, the females in the herd will often collaborate in bringing up the young, especially if the ‘assistant carers’ are related to the mother of the offspring.

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Relationship Issues – The ‘Mars and Venus’ Relationship Issues

John Gray, in his entertaining but also quite serious book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, makes an important point about the differences between men and women with respect to their relationship issues and difficulties.

Not only do they speak ‘different languages’ but they respond differently to the crises in their relationship issues. Men, he says, retire to their caves, withdraw and think out the problems and then come back with a solution (or without a solution). Women like to talk it over, and can’t understand when their male partners don’t seem to want to do this.

Misunderstandings and deeper relationship issues arise between men and women when they fail to realize that the partner doesn’t react as they themselves would react. The man may feel that he has done all that is necessary to be appreciated, and can’t understand why the woman is being illogical in this way. The woman may feel that her partner is failing to understand that she has times (perhaps hormonally determined) when everything seems wrong, and that all she needs is to be given time and sympathy.

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Relationship Problems – Part II

Following on from my last post about relationship problems, here’s another five areas of communication that you need to focus on when talking about any and all of your current (or past) relationship problems: (Relationship Problems Part I is here)

6. Suggest ways to act differently in the future rather than complaining about those relationship problems that have happened in the past. A proposed alternative is always more acceptable than a complaint which leaves it to the hearer to suggest a way out of the particular relationship problem. The hearer can always accept the suggestion or may choose to make a counter-proposal, whereas citing relationship problems from the past can often lead to defensive responses or denials, which can then lead to a stalemate with both partners maintaining that they are right.

7. If you can’t avoid discussing past relationship problems, ration it so that your partner knows that it won’t last very long. This could be done by planning a discussion time and setting a timer so that you both know when time will be up.

8. Stick to the topic and don’t drift off into other areas. The temptation is often to extend the discussion into other areas of disagreement. It is almost always unhelpful to do this, and it usually makes it more difficult to resolve the conflict, since the discussion gets overtaken by other irrelevant topics. If there is no more that can be usefully said about the particular relationship problem, the couple should stop talking about it and either change the subject or just go into separate rooms until things quiet down.

9. If you are talking about your partner, try not to ‘mind-read’. It is much better to ask your spouse what they think about something than to tell them what you think they are thinking. It is quite tempting to do this, but if you are wrong in your guess this will irritate the partner, and if you are right it will put you in a position of power which it is better for you not to have.

10. Try to start everything you say with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. This is not always easy, and I will give some more specific advice in some future articles that cover more detailed plans for resolving relationship problems. The key thing to remember at this stage is that if you start with ‘I’, your partner can’t claim that you are talking nonsense or that you have no right to speak for him/her.

If your relationship or marriage is worth saving, and you really want to rekindle your romance, by communicating effectively like this you will be in a much strong position to deal with all your current (and future) relationship problems, and learn how to deal with issues in the future as they arise.

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Thinking About Divorce or Separation

Think about it carefully and weigh the pros and cons.

When you get to the point of thinking about divorce, it is helpful to consider carefully what is about to happen, and to make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of staying together against the advantages and disadvantages of divorcing.

These might be of various sorts, and at different timescales: for example, you might consider the situation in five years’ time, and look at what this would be like (a) if a divorce had gone ahead or (b) if you had stayed together. To take a common example of this, if the husband in a marriage with two children has been having an affair with a younger woman, and wants to separate and live with her, you might consider the advantages and disadvantages as follows:

Advantages of divorce

Husband goes with the woman he wants to be withHusband loses the stress of living a double lifeWife can live more peacefully without the stress of the conflictWife can plan her own life, and possibly form a new relationshipGood for the husband’s girlfriend, who wants to be with him

Disadvantages of divorce

Expense of the legal caseBoth partners poorer as a result of the divorceRisk of a bitter conflict following the divorceProblems of moving and getting two separate placesWife could become depressedHusband could feel guiltyProblems with care of children, including disputes over payments and accessBoth partners may have further children, disadvantaging their own children

Advantages of staying together

Less expensive for bothMore stability for childrenCouple remain in the family homeLiving through a ‘bad patch’ might strengthen the relationship

Disadvantages of staying together

Conflict may continueWife may still be bitter and blame himHusband may continue his outside relationshipIf he gives it up he may be resentfulWife may be reluctant to resume sexual relationsIt may only be a short-term solution

Looking at the pros and cons

The above is one example of the kinds of considerations which couples need to take into account when they are wondering whether to divorce or not. There will in most cases be many other issues to be resolved, and many other pressures on the couple. For example, the husband’s friends could bring pressure on him to divorce, perhaps because they themselves are now single and want him to lead a singles’ life with them. The wife’s family may have disapproved of the husband from the beginning, and prefer her to be away from him.

 Mail this post Relationship Problems - Men Vs. Women

Tips For A Healthy Relationship – Understanding Communication

A healthy relationship needs regular and positive communication between the two partners. Good communication is the corner stone of a healthy relationship, just as much as mutual respect and intimacy.

Everyone communicates, even when they think they are not doing so. Two people sitting opposite each other in a doctor’s waiting room are in communication even though they don’t speak. There is eye contact from time to time, or a deliberate avoidance of eye contact, and an acknowledgement of each other’s presence. They may talk, or there may be a silent understanding that they don’t want to talk. There may be a power struggle, with one of the two wanting to interact while the other avoids interaction and keeps silent. They will probably be sizing each other up, and could make a good estimate of the other person’s age, social class and maybe what they are suffering from, without asking any questions.

Think then how much more rich and detailed is the communication between partners in a healthy relationship. You already know a lot of things about your partner, and you can predict quite accurately where they will be in the house and what they will be doing at any time. There are probably some things which are problematic between you, such as resentment about not spending enough time together and being late for joint activities such as meals. There is much non-verbal communication, which can be in the form of eye contact, smites or frowns, tone of voice, posture, touch and the distance between you – all of which can make the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhappy one.

The non-verbal communication between partners is a good indicator of the health of the relationship. Research has shown that couples with a healthy relationship make regular eye contact, while those who have a troubled relationship rarely look at each other. Deliberately making eye contact with your partner is one way of improving non-verbal communication.

Many of the everyday contacts between partners are made non-verbally. A touch on the shoulder makes for a very healthy relationship, and may say more than a hundred words. Smiles can indicate positive feelings, and reassure the partner that they are cared for, although they can also be misinterpreted if there is tension between you.

Frowns can of course have the opposite effect. The tone of voice is a further indication of how you are treating each other. This can vary between angry, cold, dictatorial, submissive, warm and pacifying. Couples can change their interaction quite quickly by moderating the tone of voice in their communications. Learning how to control your tone of voice will go a long way to helping maintain a healthy relationship.

Another aspect of the non-verbal communication is how close the partners are to each other when they speak. The nearer they are, on the whole, the less they need to raise their voices, and the more their communication will be peaceful and positive. If they choose to sit or stand further away, then the likelihood is that they will have to shout to be heard, and the partner will think that the speaker is angry or impatient. So in building a healthy relationship, try to be as close as possible (within reason) to each other when talking so as to avoid unnecessary shouting.

Their verbal communication is equally important, and may involve both positive and negative aspects. There is a tendency to make assumptions about the other partner, which may lead to misinterpreting what is said as being hostile or angry, when the speaker does not feel angry. This can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations, which can blight the relationship and cause friction and angry feelings. The partners then begin to cast blame on each other, and each sees him/herself as the victim of unreasonable behavior.

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Relationship Problems – Men Vs. Women

The amount of people that are unsatisfied with their love lives is high. We know lots of single people and lots in relationships they aren’t completely happy with. It is rare if we have within our social circle one example of a truly solid relationship.

This article is for helping men to become better; the reason it can’t be for both sexes is because men and women have their problems at different stages of male-female interaction. A man’s most common failing is that he can’t even pluck up the courage to start a conversation, and, if he can, he finds it difficult to evolve that to a date, and eventually to a relationship. Even if he is very attractive, he won’t get approached very often at all. The man is still expected to make the first moves, to start the conversation, to ask for the woman’s number, to ask her for a date, to go for the kiss etc. There is much more of a requirement for him to be active in starting the relationship.

An attractive woman can go to a busy nightspot, and she is almost guaranteed to be approached over and over again. All she has to do is decide if she will talk to the guy, if she will give her number, if she will meet for a date, and if she wants to let the guy kiss her. In most cases, the man has decided that he wants her before he has spoken to her, and there is not much she can say or do to make him change his mind. She doesn’t need to be funny, confident or fascinating.

But it’s not all easy for a woman. Her problem comes later in separating the good guys from the bad guys. Her logical mind wants a nice guy who is reliable, who she can introduce to her parents and who will always be there. However, her emotional mind wants to tame the wild guy, to meet someone who is unpredictable and surprising, someone she has to work for, that she could lose at any moment.

The nice guy usually gets dumped and the bad guy normally breaks a lot of hearts. For a while I thought I’d need to become ‘the jerk that women love’, and be a fool in order to get more women and avoid having girls dump me – but then I realized it’s actually possible to stay a nice guy while introducing some of the characteristics of the bad guy, without actually being bad.

This is the way society works at the moment.

Going Speed Dating

Speed dating is so popular that you’ve probably heard of it and seen events advertised near you. However, it’s quite possible that you still don’t know what exactly it entails.

Speed dating events are a way to meet a lot of people in one night, in an organised setting. You can quickly get to know 15 or more people a little better without having the awkwardness of moving on from the conversation or being asked for your number.

When you arrive at a speed dating event, you’ll be given a badge with your name and sometimes a number on it. You’ll see a number of tables for two people laid out around the room. You’ll also be given a piece of paper or chart on which you can make notes about the people that you meet. This sounds a little harsh but speed dating is for fun and you’ll meet so many people that you will lose track if you don’t write some reminders down.

Once the event begins you’ll sit at a table with your first 'date' and then you will have three or four minutes to get to know them. You can ask any questions you like and they’ll ask you questions too – don’t forget, though, the time is limited so choose what you ask and say wisely!

After the allocated time is up, a bell will ring and you’ll move on to the next person. Sometimes everyone moves, sometimes just the men or women – the organisers will explain what will happen. This will continue until you’ve met all the other speed daters.

After you have been on all your speed ‘dates’, you log onto the speed dating website (at home) and tick those you’d be interested in going on a real date with. If they ticked you as well you’ll receive an email with their contact details – usually their email address. They will receive yours too. You’ll only receive the details of people you have ticked. Wear something you feel confident in – you’ll make the best impression if you feel good about yourself.Many people have a few drinks at speed dating events as part of a fun evening out, but beware of getting blind drunk – you might not make the best first impression!Think of a few questions beforehand in case you get nervous.Don’t give your personal details out – abide by the same safety principles you normally would.You might soon bet bored of asking about what people do for a living. Here are a few more ideas: Ask about hobbiesWhat is your ideal job?Where would you like to travel to and why?What is your speciality dish?What was the last CD you bought?What is your favourite film?Are you reading any books at the moment?

Check List: Your Legal Rights When a Relationship Ends

The end of a relationship is never a fun time but as well as the emotional fallout to deal with there are always a lot pf practical issues to address. Knowing your rights is the first step to making sure that you end up with what you deserve out of the relationship. Follow our checklist to make sure that have considered all the important areas of your life which may be affected by the split.

One of the most difficult things to deal when you split from your partner is where you are going to live. The first thing to think about is your immediate plans and deciding who will remain in the house. After this you need to consider selling. If you are married or have joint ownership of the home then your lawyer will help you arrange a fair deal. However, if you have been cohabiting but the house is in your partner’s name, even if you have been paying towards the mortgage, you do not have any rights on the home. When you are living together all the expenses are split so it can be a shock to the system when you need to afford to live alone. If you have joint assets then you need to make sure that it is split fairly. If both of your names are on the accounts then it should be split evenly but if you have been using your partner’s account, or they were the sole earner, then you will need to consult your lawyer. You will have a stronger case if you are married. If you have any outstanding debts with your partner then you need to work out how you are both going to continue paying them. If they are joint then you will still be liable for the full amount if your partner stops paying. Ending a relationship is always more difficult when children are involved and you need to put them first in all your decisions. If your partner has parental responsibility then they will have rights to visitation and also need to pay child support. Both parents need to be involved in finding a custody agreement that is best suitable. It is important that you put a will in place in case you or your partner passes away. If you are married then any assets will automatically pass to your partner but if you are cohabiting then you do not have legal rights unless they are laid out in a will.

The best thing is to make sure that your rights are protected before your relationship ends. Put a will in place, know where your money is and in what name and understand whether you have rights to any property. When your relationship does come to an end, seek the advice of a lawyer and make sure that you can use your knowledge to cover all areas of your life. If you have children it is even more important that you and them are provided for.

Could Counselling Help Your Relationship?

Counselling is not just for celebrities or people who have had a traumatic experience, it can also be very useful for repairing broken relationships. Many people are sceptical about counselling and wary of giving it a go. This can be for a variety of reasons but usually because they are scared of what they may find out. If you relationship is on the rocks and it has come to a make or break situation then counselling may be just the input that you need.

There are many things that can prompt a couple to get counselling. Whether one person has been unfaithful, you are struggling with the dynamics of children or work issues, or you are arguing and growing apart, there is no right reason. Often couples aren’t even sure themselves what the problem is and this is where counselling can help. There is no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about seeking outside help. It is worse to be unhappy than admit that you have a problem. Often, one partner is more keen to seek counselling than the other and this can be very frustrating. Try to understand their reluctance. Often it is not because they are being stubborn or unwilling to save the relationship but usually because they are scared. They may be scared to uncover their own feelings, to find out what you are thinking or to face the truth that the relationship may be over. Try and talk them around gently and explain how important it is to you and how much you want to save the relationship. When you are going to open up your heart to someone and share your problems with them, you want it to be someone who you trust and respect. This is why it is important to find a counsellor that you both feel comfortable with.

Relate (www.relate.org.uk) is the best place to start as they have listings of counsellors across the country and will help you if you cannot afford the fees. If are not happy with your counsellor on your first meeting them don’t be afraid to try a new one. Although you may get both of you to the counselling session, it will no be very effective if you are not truthful about your feelings. This can take time and patience but closing yourself off will only make the process harder. Often you don’t want to admit to certain things so you don’t hurt your partner but you will do more hurt by holding them back and not giving the relationship a chance to heal. It is also natural to feel embarrassed about sharing your problems with a stranger but this is what they are trained for and they will not judge you. If you decide to undergo counselling then you both need to be committed to it. The end result may still be that you decide to spilt up, but at least you will know that you did everything you could to try and save the relationship. Listen to your counsellor and work on any tasks that she gives you. Make time in your busy life to make your relationship the priority and give it the attention that it deserves. If you are unsure whether counselling is right for you then think about what the alternative is. If you are ill, you go to the doctor to fix it, if your car is broken you take it to the mechanics. Yet most people are unwilling to pay the same attention to a sick relationship. Problems don’t solve themselves and by turning to the professionals you have the chance to rekindle the reasons you got together and be happy again.