When you have made some worthwhile improvements in building a healthy relationship, it is tempting to rest on your laurels and assume that it will now be all right, or to think that love has come back and that there is no need to worry any more. However much things have improved, you are still the same people, with the same basic ways of relating, and things could easily go wrong again if you are not vigilant in maintaining your good relationship.
Have regular meetings even if things are going well. These should take a similar form to meetings you may have had to discuss your problems, with both of you coming with an agenda and dividing the time between you. You might also use the timer that you used before, depending on whether you think you still need a limit to the time for discussion.
Think about what you yourself have done to change things in bringing back your healthy relationship. One of the hardest things for partners to do in this situation is to recognize what they themselves have done to build a good relationship. It is much easier to point out how your partner has changed, but that is not a very good basis for this kind of meeting, because it puts you once again in the role of the ex-victim, and your partner in the role of the ex-persecutor.
The most important thing to remember is, as I mentioned above, that the only person you can really change is yourself. If a change has happened, look at the way you yourself have contributed to that change. Perhaps you should ask your partner to tell you how they think you have changed, while you can tell them how you think they have changed. But the ultimate take-home message is that, whatever you have done to build a healthy relationship, you should continue doing it, as indeed your partner should continue doing whatever they have been doing to improve things.
What would you both have to do wrong to bring the problems back?
This is another way of saying the same thing. But it puts it even more pointedly, because it emphasizes that you have indeed done some good relationship building, and that you have the power to change them for better or for worse. If you think about this, it puts you in a position of both power and responsibility. It means that you accept that you may have contributed to the previous problems, and to the improvements in your now healthy relationship, and that you are not necessarily just the victim of your partner’s whims and unpredictable behavior.
If it goes really badly wrong, go back to square one. Things may, of course, go wrong even after a successful use of the techniques outlined here, but this is not the end of the world, or even the end of the story. You might decide to go back to the beginning, try the good relationship building exercises of communication and negotiation as before, and with the knowledge of how they went wrong you may be able to learn from your experience and be more successful.
The key thing to remember is to persevere and to continue to try to control the problems you are faced with on a daily basis. There is one basic rule for sustaining a long-term healthy relationship, and that is to maintain toleration and patience, and to give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If you can commit yourselves to that rule, the rest will come more easily, both in the short term, while you are working on the problem, and in the longer term when both of you may forget the techniques you have been using.
If there is no improvement using these relationship building ideas and techniques
There are two options open to you in this event. Either you can buy some books on healthy relationship building, which may take a broader look at the problems and give more wide-ranging suggestions as to solving them using a ’systemic’ approach; or alternatively you may decide that the ‘do-it-yourself way is not going to be successful, and seek professional help from a relationship counselor or therapist.
Mail this post Healthy Relationship Tips
No comments:
Post a Comment