Relationship Problems – Part II

Following on from my last post about relationship problems, here’s another five areas of communication that you need to focus on when talking about any and all of your current (or past) relationship problems: (Relationship Problems Part I is here)

6. Suggest ways to act differently in the future rather than complaining about those relationship problems that have happened in the past. A proposed alternative is always more acceptable than a complaint which leaves it to the hearer to suggest a way out of the particular relationship problem. The hearer can always accept the suggestion or may choose to make a counter-proposal, whereas citing relationship problems from the past can often lead to defensive responses or denials, which can then lead to a stalemate with both partners maintaining that they are right.

7. If you can’t avoid discussing past relationship problems, ration it so that your partner knows that it won’t last very long. This could be done by planning a discussion time and setting a timer so that you both know when time will be up.

8. Stick to the topic and don’t drift off into other areas. The temptation is often to extend the discussion into other areas of disagreement. It is almost always unhelpful to do this, and it usually makes it more difficult to resolve the conflict, since the discussion gets overtaken by other irrelevant topics. If there is no more that can be usefully said about the particular relationship problem, the couple should stop talking about it and either change the subject or just go into separate rooms until things quiet down.

9. If you are talking about your partner, try not to ‘mind-read’. It is much better to ask your spouse what they think about something than to tell them what you think they are thinking. It is quite tempting to do this, but if you are wrong in your guess this will irritate the partner, and if you are right it will put you in a position of power which it is better for you not to have.

10. Try to start everything you say with ‘I’ rather than ‘you’. This is not always easy, and I will give some more specific advice in some future articles that cover more detailed plans for resolving relationship problems. The key thing to remember at this stage is that if you start with ‘I’, your partner can’t claim that you are talking nonsense or that you have no right to speak for him/her.

If your relationship or marriage is worth saving, and you really want to rekindle your romance, by communicating effectively like this you will be in a much strong position to deal with all your current (and future) relationship problems, and learn how to deal with issues in the future as they arise.

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