Here I want to look at the relationship problems which a couple can be affected by, which might consist of work pressures, children, relatives or friends. In many cases these situations could be described as taking the form of triangles, in which the couple, whose relationship is conceptualized as a straight line, are reacting as a team in relation to a third person or thing (the point of the triangle). The ‘point’ of the triangle also has the power to draw one partner away from the relationship into a new alliance with the outside individual or activity.
Triangles of course are almost universal in human experience. Mostly they cause no difficulty or relationship problems, and if they involve a couple they may be a positive thing and be a source of pleasure.
For example, a mutual friend may be a great support to both partners and never cause rifts or tensions between them. In this example, however, I will be mainly dealing with the relationship problems caused by certain triangular situations.
The outside factors, whether people or things, could also be thought of as raising the issue of the boundaries around the couple, in which they have to decide how much they are working as a team and how much they are two separate individuals. Because of the profound effect that these ‘triangular’ situations can have on the couple, you need to be as clear as you can about where your boundaries are and how tight they are.
Triangular Relationship Problems Involving Children
Some of the most common triangular situations involve your children. Children can show their distress in many ways, from overactive behavior in a young child to teenage rebellion or anorexia in an older one, or severe arguments and rights between siblings. The child’s behavior may evoke different responses from the two parents. It may also be that the child’s behavior problem is partly caused by the tensions between the parents.
The behavior of the child may be seen as a cry for help, not only for the child but also for the whole family. The child whose parents are at loggerheads is going to feel insecure, and will often behave badly as an expression of that insecurity.
The behavior can have two positive results for the child: firstly it may bring the parents closer together, and secondly it may bring the child a greater sense of power within the family. These results are, however, bought at a price, in that the child will feel more insecure than before, and sometimes this insecurity (which is connected with a fear that his/her parents are too weak to be in control) will lead to an escalation of the behavior. A vicious circle then builds up, with more parental anxiety leading to more of the behavior, leading to recriminations between the parents, and this in turn leading to a greater sense of insecurity on the part of the child.
What Is The Answer?
There is a set of techniques based on behavioral principles which has been very successful in helping parents to cope with badly behaved children. The two main principles are to reward desired behavior and to ignore undesired behavior.
Punishment, on the other hand, can disrupt behavior in the short term, but has unpredictable results in the longer run, and is usually ineffective. In order for the behavioral rewards to work, you must work as a team, and in some ways this teamwork may be as important as the techniques themselves.
How To Get It Wrong
Many people do not realize that their children need quite a lot of attention when they are with their parents, and will work to get it, for example by misbehaving, by teasing their siblings or by being destructive. Parents who only give their children attention when they are naughty, even if that attention is in the form of telling them off or punishing them, are actually encouraging naughty behavior. What the parents see as a way of controlling their children’s behavior is actually encouraging it.
The alternative way outlined above is a better way. It is labor-intensive at first, especially in the planning of activities which interest the problem child, while at the same time not neglecting the younger brother. However, in the end it saves time and effort, and can help to avoid the progressive alienation of the problem child.
What About Other Forms Of Childhood Behavior Problems?
Sometimes a child will seem to monopolize one parent, sharing secrets with that parent and making them promise not to tell the other one what is being discussed. This is a classic example of the parent being ‘triangulated’ by the child, away from their partner. Alternatively the child may develop symptoms for which no cause can be found, and for which they get much sympathy from one of the parents. These are good examples of a triangle. Triangles, as mentioned above, exist in all families, and sometimes they are problematic, while usually they are completely harmless. In this case it is important for the parents to be a parental team, and to act together in the care of the children. So, when a child makes a request of one parent to keep something secret from the other, it would be better not to promise to keep the secret, but to say that the parents don’t have secrets from each other.
If the relationship between one parent and a child becomes too close, this could unbalance all the family relationships and lead to a permanent alliance of parent and child against the other parent.
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